The Prince and the Condensce
by Ender The Time Lady
Summary: What would happen if Dirk's dream self was captured by the Condensce? Implied character deaths. T for Dirk getting the crap beaten out of him. Oneshot.


The Prince and the Condensce

AN: Technically a song fic. The lyrics are in bold. Sort of whump-ish, my mind is odd. In my defense, I wrote this while on a roadtrip, listened to the song on my phone, and things escalated quickly. A bit more pretentious than my usual stuff, but I think it turned out alright. Stuff in bolded italics are Dirk's lines in the song. Just bold is Condensce. How the hell do you spell that?

Link to original music video here:

watch?v=BXG6nLzX3I4

**Well well, well. What have we here?**

"Hey. Dirk."

Dirk jerked up from his desk, where he had fallen asleep.

"What happened? You were mumbling in your sleep. Your dream self okay?"

Dirk ran a hand through his hair, before grabbing his pointed shades off of his desk.

"I don't think so AR. It was kind of fuzzy there for a bit, but I'm pretty sure that..."

"That what?"

"I think my dream self just became the Condensce's prisoner."

"Oh shit!"

"Tell me about it."

**The Prince of Heart huh? Oh, I'm really scared.**

TT: Hey Roxy.

TG: yo, drik! Wats up!

TG:*dirk

TT: Nothing good I'm afraid.

TT: My dream self appears to be verily fucked.

TG: wat? Wut heppenedn to u?

TG: *hepeaned

TG: *hapenets

TG *fuck it

TT: He appears to have been captured by our seadwelling friend.

TG: oh noes

TG: teh batterwitch!

TT: Exactly.

TG: wats gonna hapen?

TT: I really don't know.

TT: Just in case, I'm avoiding sleep until further notice.

TT: Thank god for energy drinks.

TG: gud luk dirk

TT: With any luck, I'll be able toakbfl

TT: adkjfnbakb;fbnn vc

TT: abrikfdfaoap;riafjnb5849qikr

TG: wut

TT: Hi Roxy, it's the Auto Responder.

TT: Dirk passed out on the keyboard.

TT: I'll update you if anything happens.

TG: k tanks ar!

TG: wen drik wakes up tell him i sad hi

TG: *sdai

TG: *said

**So you're the human who's woken up on Derse, ahahaha.**

When Dirk woke up, he noticed three things.

One: He was wearing his Dersian pajama's.

Two: He was in a bare purple room with only a small barred window near the roof.

Three: He was currently chained to the wall of said room.

"Fuck."

"Whale good morning to you too." a woman's voice said calmly.

Dirk pulled himself up the wall, the chains on his wrists clanking, and hanging slack as he held himself up to full height.

"Batterwitch."

"Ding ding, give the human a prize." she said, adjusting her grip on the double ended trident she held in one hand.

**You're joking, you're joking. Let me see your eyes.**

"I don't suppose you'd be so kind as to let me go?"

"I don't think I want to."

"I can't say that surprises me in the slightest. So, why the fuck am I here?"

"Hey, show some reefspect there human. Remember who's in charge here."

"No one's in charge as far as I'm concerned." Dirk said, narrowing his eyes behind his glasses.

The Condensce frowned at him, before reaching over and taking off his shades.

Dirk let out a cry of protest, lunging at the troll. He only got a foot before the chain went taunt, sending the teenager stumbling backwards.

The Condensce grinned, before dropping the glasses on the ground, and crushing them underfoot.

"My shades!"

**You're joking, you must be! This can't be the right guy!**

AR was keeping watch over Dirk, monitoring his vitals, prepared to message Roxy if something went wrong. Not that the computer would ever admit it, but he was worried over Dirk. Somewhere along the way, the calm blond had become his friend.

And AR wasn't planning on letting anyone interfere with that, deranged alien sea-queen or not.

Dirk stirred in his sleep, a grimace on his face.

"My shades..." he mumbled, before rolling over.

The Prince of Heart slept on.

The Auto-Responder watched, and waited.

**He's anime; he's yaoi. I don't know which is worse!**

TG: hey jaek

GT: Oh, hello there roxy!

GT: How are you on this fine day?

TG: nut gud.

TG: did drik tell yuo abot the batterwitch yet?

GT: Yes, he told me parts of it.

GT: She seems like a rather dastardly villain.

GT: Why do you ask my good friend?

TG: do yu kno abuot dream selvs?

TG: liek, derse and prospit?

GT: Yes, dirk informed me of his work with his dream self.

TG: bad news

TG: the batterwit got hiz draem self

TG: real dirk is fien

TG: but dream drik is a prisnor

GT: Oh dear!

GT: This seems like a rather daunting problem.

GT: Is there any way that I may provide assistance?

TG: no, just thoght you should know.

TG: dont tell janey thou

TG: she doesnt believe me and dirk

GT: Well alright.

GT: If you insist roxy.

GT: Oh and roxy?

TG: wat

GT: Has your typing mysteriously improved?

TG: ya, prbly.

TG: ive stopped drinkin for now

TG: i cant have ane booze snoozes now.

TG: im nut drunk

TG: i just snuck at typin.

TG: *suck

GT: Oh my

GT: Good luck roxy!

GT: Tell dirk i said hello!

TG: hes asleep

TG: wen he wakes up ill tell him

TG: bye jake

GT: Goodbye then roxy!

GT: I do hope dirk is alright!

**I guess I'll have to knock him off his highest princely horse.**

Dirk grit his teeth glaring at the troll woman in front of him.

"Oh, did that upset you?" she asked mockingly.

Dirk returned to his default poker face, staring blankly at the Condensce with his arms crossed.

"Whale, someone has an ego."

Dirk said nothing, just raised an eyebrow, maintaining a calm facade. If it weren't for his orange eyes burning with anger, you wouldn't even be able to tell that he was feeling anything.

"I suppose it's up to me to take care of that."

The double ended trident swing around, catching Dirk across the face, and sending him skidding to the floor with a grunt of pain.

**When the new black queen says you're going to fail your mission; you should pay attention now 'cause I'm the Condescension.**

The Condensce grabbed him by the collar, pulling him up to his feet. She looked at him for a long second, before slamming his face in the the wall, and letting go of him. He slid down the wall, and sat on the floor, dazed.

The double ended trident slammed in to the wall, pinning his neck between two of the prongs.

He let out a choked noise, and attempted to pull away the trident.

"So, I'm curious;" The Batterwitch started, sounding deceptively cheerful. "Where does your reel shelf live?"

**And if you aren't bowing, there's something very wrong!**

AR was getting worried.

Dirk had been asleep for an hour. He had started sleeping peacefully, but within minuets he was mumbling in his sleep. Almost immediately after that he had started making quiet sounds of pain. About halfway through, he muttered something about the Condensce. At that point, AR realized with a chill that dream Dirk was basically getting his ass handed to him by the Condensce. Hell, he was probably incapable of fighting back.

Suddenly, Dirk shot up, overbalanced his chair, and fell over backwards. The blond teenager didn't make a move to get up, just lay on the floor, taking gasping breaths.

**'Cause I won't let you get away once you've heard the Condensce song!**

"Dirk? Hey, Dirk! Bro! You okay?"

"AR?"

"Yeah man, on the table. Nice fall by the way, very acrobatic."

"Fuck... fuck you dude."

"But seriously, you okay"

"Not really... I hate to say this... but I think... I'd like it if Roxy could stay for a bit."

"What? Why?"

"The Condensce used... mind control shit... made me fall asleep. That's all she can do...but I'm going to be narcoleptic until further notice. If the Condensce wants something to do with me while I'm cooking or some shit, I could get hurt. Besides, to be honest... I'm a bit freaked out right now. You're great and all but... you're kind of a dick."

"And who's fault is that?"

"Shut up."

**Obey! (Woah) Obey! (Woah) Obey! (Woah) Because I'm the Condecension!**

"Dirk?" I'm here!" Roxy called out in to the apartment.

"Oh, hey Roxy. Thanks for getting here so soon." Dirk said, walking out from where his room was.

"No problem Dirk. AR pestered me, told me what happened. By the way. Has it uh, happened again at all?" she asked, giving him a slightly concerned look.

"Yeah, once more. I passed out in the middle of rapping with Squarewave. Confused the hell out of him. I had to explain it to him after I woke up." he saidm awkwardly rubbing the back of his head.

"Is your dream self okay?" Roxy asked nervously.

"Eh, mostly. A bit cut up, a few bruises. The bitch smashed my- er, his shades."

"What? Why?"

"Hell if I know. She's just a complete and utter-"

Dirk stiffened in mid sentence. A black circle with a cerulean Scorpio sign appeared on his forehead, and Dirk collapsed to the ground, asleep.

"DIRK!"

**And if I'm feeling crafty, and I've found that you're awake; I might just bake a special batch of Alpha children cake!**

"Morning princey!"

"Fuck you."

"Glad to see you're your usual cheerful shelf! Anyways, I thought you might be interested in seeing the newspaper today before we start our little chat." the Condensce said cheerfully.

"What? Why?"

"I'll give you a minute to read this, then." she said, throwing a purple newspaper down at his feet.

The front page showed a picture of Jake in Prospit clothing, with a large headline beneath it.

DEAD.

"Jake..." Dirk said quietly, stumbling backwards, and sliding down the wall.

"Oh, sorry, did that upset you?"

Dirk introduced her to his middle finger.

"Whale then, it'd be a shame if something happened to the Prospit girl, now wouldn't it?"

Dirk looked up.

"What? Leave Jane alone!" He yelled, jerking forwards as far as his chains would allow.

"What can I say? It's not like you've given me any useful information so far. I got bored, so I figured I'd go and kill your little boyfriend, as a nice incentive for you to be more talkative."

"What?"

"You reefly only have yourshelf to blame."

"No..."

**And don't you know the dreamer that makes the whole thing work? A Crocker cake is not complete without a little Dirk!**

GG: Oh, hey there Dirk!

TT: Hey Janey. What's up?

GG: Not much. Where have you been? You're almost never on anymore!

TT: Yeah, I've just been kind of off lately.

GG: Oh no! Are you sick?

TT: Yeah, kind of.

GG: So do you want to talk about anything?

TT: How have you been lately?

GG: Alright, I suppose.

TT: Alright? What's wrong?

GG: Well, I've woken up on Prospit.

TT: You have! That's great Jane!

GG: Yes, I suppose.

TT: What's wrong then?

GG: There's a very rude man, very tall, burly, completely black.

GG: He absolutely refuses to let me leave my room!

TT: What.

TT: Oh.

TT: Oh god.

GG: What? Does that mean something bad?

TT: I'm sorry Jane.,

TT: I am so very, very sorry.

TT: This is all my fault.

GG: What? You didn't do anything! You're all the way over on Derse!

TT: My dream self is currently the prisoner of the new Black Queen of Derse.

TT: She's demanding information that I refuse to give.

TT: She killed Jake's dream self in an attempt to 'persuade' me.

TT: Your dream self is currently being held hostage.

GG: Oh no!

GG: Dirk, is your dream self alright!?

TT: No, not really.

TT: He's pretty beaten up.

TT: But that's not the problem!

TT: Janey, I can't tell the Black Queen what she wants to know.

TT: If I do, we all die.

TT: You need to get out of there, the second you fall asleep.

TT: Fly out the window, kill the Dersian guard, play dead, start a riot.

TT: Anything.

TT: Just get out of there!

GG: Alright then Dirk.

GG: I trust your judgement!

**(Woah) Yes! (Woah) Woah! Yes, I'm the Condescension!**

Dirk slumped to the ground, head bowed with blood running down his cheek.

"Oh come on princey, it's just one little question! Can't be that hard to just tell me where you live, can it?"

"If... if I tell you... then I die."

"If you tell me, you die a quick, painless death at the hands of some drones. If you don't, then I slowly torture you to death. Your choice princey!"

"I FUCKING SAID NO!"

"Whale, then it's a shame about your Prospit friend."

"Janey? WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER YOU BITCH!"

"I didn't do anyfin! The dumbass tried to escape, so Hegemonic Brute had to off her!"

"No... this is all my fault..."

"Oh my, did someone give bad advice?"

_**You like to think you're the mastermind? Well I'm alive, so you're behind!**_

Dirk opened his eyes in his bed.

"Dirk? Are you awake?"

"Ungh... Roxy?"

"Hey Dirk." Roxy said, handing him a glass of apple juice, which Dirk promptly chugged.

"What happened to you? You were screaming at the Batterbitch in your sleep.

"That bitch killed Jane's dream self." Dirk said shortly.

"What! I'll fucking kill her!"

"I'll gladly help. But still, we're the only ones who have living dream selves right now, and I'm more of a hindrance then a help. We need to be strategic about this."

"You're right, I guess." Roxy said, clearly thinking about something.

_**You can't restrain the Strider babe, 'cause newsflash Pinkie I'm the Brain!**_

Roxy had never hated anything or anyone more than she hated the Batterbitch at that one moment. Not a romantic sort of hate. Just a black, purely platonic, burning hatered.

Dirk was trying to be strong whenever he was awake, but every time the Condensce made him sleep, he seemed weaker when he woke up.

The Batterwitch was slowly yet surely breaking him.

And despite the fact that Dirk was all comfort and reassuring words while awake, having to hear him cry out in pain while he slept was killing her on the inside.

He had tried to escape once, and had gotten loose from his chains even. After that happened, Dirk was asleep for seven hours straight, and in pain for every last second of it. He didn't talk about it, and she didn't mention it.

Still, throughout the whole ordeal, Dirk hadn't screamed in pain. Not even once. He had yelled at the Batterbitch in rage, let out sounds of pain, but he kept biting his cheek and holding in his screams.

Still, it was only a matter of time.

**You're joking. You're joking! I can't believe this boy! Lord English, are you hearing this? This nonsensical ploy.**

After two months, the Condence dragged him before Lord English. She had talked with him in a strange, alien language, in a tone that almost seemed... respectful.

The Lord of Time gave him a disinterested look, before waving him and the Condensce away.

"Quite frankly, I'm surprised you survived that. Lord English usually krills anyone or anything that he deems useless."

Dirk, flushed with the embarrassment of being dragged behind the Black Queen like a dog on a chain while a dozen guards and the citizens of Derse looked on, did not reply.

**It's pathetic; it's tiring. Your blood is just so low. So now I think it's about time that I turned you in to dough.**

The Condensce levelled her trident at Dirks neck.

He barely even looked up.

_**Every human has this blood colour.**_

"Come on then lowblood, no more witty remarks?"

He slowly raised his head, fixing her with an exhausted glare.

"Every human has this blood colour."

**I guess that means you all should die then!**

She drew back in suprise, trident drifting off to the side. She smirked.

"I guess that means you all should die then!" she said cheerfully, before ramming the golden weapon in to his arm.

Dirk threw back his head and screamed.

**Woah! On 2x3 prong day, the whole worlds fate will seal!**

Roxy was in the living room, reading a book when the screaming started.

She jumped off of the couch, fumbling and dropping the book, before running in to Dirks room.

The Prince of Heart was writhing around in the bed, face contorted in an expression of pure, unadulterated agony as he screamed his lungs out.

"Dirk! Dirk, please wake up!"

"That won't work!" AR yelled at her from its position on the bedside table.

"I know what to do! If I can wake up on Derse, then I can save Dirk's dream self!" Roxy said, hitting her palm with her fist.

"Good idea! Now hurry up, I don't think he can take much more of this!"

Roxy promptly hit herself over the head, and passed out in a pile of puppets.

**Because I'm a mean Dersite queen and I change the playing field.**

Roxy woke up within the Void, wearing her Derse outfit.

"Yes! Now, to save Dirk!" she said to herself,, flying towards the planet.

When she landed on the streets, the locals looked at her and edged away nervously, muttering and pointing to one another. Roxy ignored them, and hurried up towards the palace, where you could hear the faint sounds of someone- probably Dirk- screaming in pain.

**It's much more fun, I must confess, when the advantage becomes all mine.**

Dirk leaned against the wall, gasping and holding his bloody arm. The Condensce leaned her 2x3 prong against a wall, before throwing her arm over Dirk's shoulders.

The human shivered at the contact, and closed his eyes.

"Now then princey. I just want to now one little thing. You tell me that, and I can make all of the pain go away. Would you like that?" she said quietly in his ear, her voice filled with false sweetness.

"Please..."

**I'll take you all out, one by one and this game will turn out fine.**

"Unbelievable! Princey saying please? And are you crying! Hah! This is hilarious!"

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

"And the last dreamer shows her face." the Batterwitch said with a smirk, releasing Dirks shoulders. He crashed to the ground, and stayed down.

_**Just abandon your goals oh Queen of Trolls; you're on the shit list of the destroyer of souls!**_

"If you touch Dirk one more time, I will fucking rip out all of your hair and strangle you with it!" Roxy screamed, aiming her rifle at the Batterwitch.

"Oh reely? I'd like to see you try little girl." the Condescension said, picking up her trident with a smirk.

"Roxy..." Dirk said weakly from the floor.

**Oh human! You're something. That facade that you present.**

Roxy hit the wall, and landed beside Dirk after the Condescension's psiionic blast.

"Roxy... you okay?"

"I should be the one asking you that." the girl said weakly, blood trickling from her mouth.

"Ugh, this is disgusting. Could you hurry up and die already?" the Condensce snapped, tapping her trident against the floor.

Roxy and Dirk flipped her off in unison.

"D'aww, that's cute. Well, enough of this!" she said cheerfully, before hefting the gilded weapon and impaling Roxy on it.

"Roxy!" Dirk cried out, as her body fell in to his arms.

**Only shows that you just do not know what you are up against!**

Dirk started to pass out, but the Condensce grabbed him by the chin, and angled his face towards her.

"Oh no. You are not allowed to wake up just yet. You're staying right here until I get a location."

"I... I don't... I can't... please..."

**It's worse than you imagined; you haven't got a prayer.**

Roxy desperately shook Dirks prone body.

"Dirk, please wake up! Come on!"

"Roxy, he's been asleep for three days now. I'm willing to bet my left nut that the Condensce is using her mind control shit to make him stay asleep, and with her." AR snapped.

"You're a pair of sunglasses."

"So?"

"You don't have a left nut."

"That's seriously what you're fucking worried about right now?"

**How do you expect to outrun him?**

On the fourth day, a half-conscious Dirk Strider quietly told the Condescension the location of his and Roxy's houses.

She already had a ship prepared, and dragged the human in to it.

"What... but... you promised... let me wake up..."

"No can do princey! I need you right here to confirm directions!"

**When he's already here.**

When the apartment was within sight, dream Dirk was finally killed.

Five minuets later, Dirk Strider, Roxy Lalonde, and the last remnants of humanity were dead too.

Jane and Jake both died during the Hilarocaust as a result.

The Beta children never were able to arrive. How can you go to a session that doesn't exist?

**AN: This is what happens when I have way too much time on my hands.**

**Yeah.**

**For the record, this story is DirkxJake. Everything else is just platonic.**

**Although I really don't care if you blackrom ship DirkxCondensce, just know that you're really fucking creepy.**

**Enough said.**

**I'm going to sleep now.**

**Sleepytimes.**

**All hail the Nannerpuss.**

**If you are confused by the last sentence, Google is your friend.**


End file.
